A few tips from students who have been there and done re-entry. Worth a read!
1. When you are preparing to leave: It is good to express your feelings about all that is going on around you. Many have found that writing them down in the form of poetry or ordinary prose is helpful. If you are more artistic, you may even find that drawings are beneficial – either to express feelings or to record memories of places and people, or both. Others have found that a diary or journal with a lot of short entries is more useful, as their feelings change as the leaving time approaches or from day to day. Such changes are normal so don’t think that you are weird in any way! Talking things through is good too, both with your family and with other trusted friends and teachers. Remember that the whole family is going through this experience but that everyone is different and so will not all be reacting in the same way at the same time.
2. Don't made the mistake of “leaving before they leave”, in other words breaking away from your friends and detach yourselves, sometimes months before the actual departure. Others in doing this have seen all the negative things in the place they are in and became hyper-critical. Suddenly everything is wrong – the food, the climate, the school and its staff, the local customs…. This could be caused by denying the grief of leaving or by wanting to get the leaving process over and feel settled again. Doing this however will alienate you from others and will leave you with future regrets. You need to think a lot about the future and make your plans, but don’t live there at the expense of living for the present.
3. Get in touch with people in the passport country. It would be great if you could have contact with other young people from your church and school in the “home” country who can tell you what it is like there and what is currently “in”. This is better than relying on memories from a few years ago or what you pick up in bits and pieces from the international media. Be careful though that you don’t rely too heavily on one person for all of your information, you can get a biased picture that way.
4. When you are leaving: Make sure that you say goodbye to everyone and don’t be afraid of expressing grief when you do. Everyone grieves at times like these and expresses it in their own way, so expect all sorts of reactions when it comes to it! This experience will allow you to finish off your time properly and not leave unfinished business behind. Some who didn’t say goodbye properly in the last minute hurry ended up having to write the goodbyes later. It is better to do it at the time.
5. You may choose to give yourself time to think or to occupy your mind with a book or the in-flight film, it’s probably best to do a bit of both. Giving yourself time to think will help you to work through the issues of leaving and re-entry, especially if it is a long journey. You may well be familiar with the journey that will take you there, but remember that this time it is permanent and that no matter how many times you may have done this, it will feel very different to all your other travels.
6. When you arrive: Allow yourself time to adapt. There is no set time after which you can say that you have adapted – it depends on so many things, including the type of person you are. The West African proverb “little by little, like the bird building its nest” is applicable. For some, it may work simply to plunge into the new situation and take it all on board as fast as possible, but not for others. There are things that you can’t avoid, like having to go to a new school or accepting the new climate, but sometimes you can choose how quickly you do new things. For instance, if you want to join a sports’ club, but don’t feel confident straight away, then wait until you feel ready before giving it a couple of trial runs to see if you like it.
7. Do keep in touch with your old friends. E-mail helps to make this much cheaper and easier, but don’t become a net-nerd in the process. Also, making new friends and keeping in touch with your old ones on a reasonably regular basis can go together – you don’t have to choose between them. Excessive e-mailing to old friends can be one of any number of ways of withdrawing from the world. Remember that a lot of people have escaped into all sorts of things to avoid facing difficulties. Reading, watching TV, solitary hobbies and even schoolwork have all become retreats from the real world. Devoting some time to these things is not wrong, but beware of using them to avoid human contact and committing yourself to the new situation.
Remember that you are different – like an immigrant, except that your appearance doesn’t show it. Watch out for these pitfalls:
1. Denying who you are and where you came from because you are so desperate not to stand out from the crowd. You may want to be the same as everyone else and you may be able to blend in like a chameleon, but you will remain different. Your background has given you the privilege of seeing a broader picture of the world and knowing many people from different cultures. Although it may not always be easy being a TCK, you do have a wide experience of life.
2. Feeling that you are a victim in some way will eat away at you and make you angry or bitter. This may arise because you have had to move around so much, because you have had to say goodbye to your friends or because you are likely not to have as much money as friends and neighbours around you in your wealthy “home” country. Bitterness pushes friends and family away from you when you most need them, makes you feel distant from them and could ruin you spiritually.
3. You have an international and mobile background BUT that does not make you superior to your schoolmates. Avoid taking on a superior or defiant attitude towards them or your new home. Be ready to listen and to learn and to adapt without burying your past. If you make real friends, they will be ready to listen to you in the end. Don’t hide your background, but don’t go on and on about it.
In all of your re-entry process be honest. If you are hurt, angry or grieving then say so in the privacy of your own room. You can’t hide it anyway! Honesty with Him now will spare you pretence and maybe even anger later. We know someone who was the ultimate “TCK” who knew a fantastic life and yet came here to live with us only to leave again after His work was accomplished. He knows what you feel and will lead you safely through re-entry if you will let Him.
How much do you know about your passport country?
1. Who is the Monarch, President or Prime Minister?
2. Do you know the names of any other government minister?
3. Who are the big name pop and sport stars?
4. Do you know the names of any big sport teams? Are there any sports that you don’t play where you are now which are popular there?
5. What kind of music groups are currently “in” and with which kind of audience? E.g. boy bands, rock groups, pop idols. Are traditional forms of music still popular among young people?
6. What are the well-known TV programmes and who are the actors in them?
7. Which other people are very important in the country’s life? Why?
8. How will the wealth level of the country and your family compare with where you are now?
9. Are money and possessions very important there or is it more people-centred?
10. What is the school like that you will go to in terms of discipline, behaviour and work expected? Do you expect to be ahead or need to catch up in any subjects?
11. Where will you be living? Will you have more or less space?
12. How big is the fellowship that you will be part of? Do you know its leaders and how the young people’s work is organised? Do you know any young people there yet?
13. What are the big social problems there? Are there problems with drugs, vandalism, lack of respect for authority, crime, immorality, poverty, HIV/AIDS, poor health care, corruption etc.?
14. More positively, what do you think are the plus points of the country? Does it have good schools with sound discipline, care for the weak and vulnerable, good health care, plenty of things to do in leisure time, trouble free streets, a culture of honesty, a strong fellowship etc.?
15. What are the local sites of interest such as ancient buildings, beautiful countryside, beaches, wildlife parks or leisure facilities etc.?
16. What opinions do you have about some of the questions that you have answered? Why?
Educare September 2005
This article is kindly offered by Educare, a newsletter
covering major TCK issues published by EUROTCK.
Educare is published 4 times a year (Jan, March, June, Sept)
and covers a wide range of third culture issues from preparation of
children for cross-cultural living to re-entry to the passport
country, boarding to home schooling and much more.
It is available free of charge on request from Eurotck.net.
